Monday was an up and down kind of day.
- Adam was sick.
- I was feeling really depressed and discouraged about you-know-what.
- Someone broke into my car. Almost a year to the day of it getting broken in last year.
- Now I have to shell out $$ to get the window fixed again. >:(
- I went to Barnes & Noble to use my giftcard to buy THE PATRON SAINT OF BUTTERFLIES and they didn’t have it.
- I booked a nice work-from-home freelance gig for Tuesday.
- I got a package from zenosidal full of Aidan goodness. There were school pictures, handwriting, progress sheets, a Mother’s Day card made by him (best Mother’s Day gift EVER) and an interview paper about me for Mother’s Day. It said the following:
What is Mom’s name? Ronni
How old is Mom? 43
How tall is Mom? Smaller than Daddy
How much does Mom weigh? 50 lbs.
What is Mom’s favorite food? Everything and spinach
What is Mom’s favorite drink? Fruit punch
What is Mom’s favorite color? Pink
What is Mom’s favorite television show? The Power Puff Girls
What is Mom’s favorite thing to do around the house? Bake
What is Mom’s favorite thing to say? Everything
My mom is the best because… She loves me.
(The last sentence made me cry).
- Adam and I got a package from Adam’s mom and dad that included cool things such as brandy snifters, cheese, and chocolate-covered sunflower seeds.
Adam: They’re trying to turn us into alcoholics!
- There was nothing in the car that interested the thieves, so nothing got taken out of it. Although I can’t imagine why they broke in to begin with. I guess to rifle through the glove compartment. I’m glad to have disappointed them.
- Got new books out of the library. Only 15 more days until I can take out more than five items at a time.
- Adam got me some Garrett Popcorn. OK, I know I know, I normally don’t like popcorn, but this, ladies and gentlemen, is no ordinary popcorn. If *I* am eating it, you know it’s good. I like the CaramelCrisp. Mmm. *pops some in mouth*
- I took a bath with a bath bomb.
- Gossip Girl. HOLY CRAP!
- This list is longer than the BOO list.
Cut for ….
This past weekend, Rosa (meimeigui) came to visit me. We had an awesome time! Rosa is like a sister to me, seriously. The second she left, I wanted her to come back. Richard (rl337), bring her back this summer, please!
She came into town Friday, and the fun started right away with drama on the trains. I have no idea what CTA was on about, but it was weird. Once we got moving, though, the cameras came out!
Rosa does this peace sign thing in many of her pictures.
When we finally got home, we went over to Butterfly and Rosa treated us to some sushi and Thai goodness. After that, we took it easy. We watched Juno, then went to CVS to stock up on junk food and wine. Then we played Wii and got pleasantly buzzed while we waited for Adam to come home from his tour.
Saturday, Rosa and I hopped on the bus and headed to Navy Pier. I enjoy going there every once in a while. It was chilly Saturday, but we had fun anyway. Rosa braved the Ferris Wheel and didn’t tell me she was afraid of heights until we were already seated and moving.
This is Rosa’s “afraid of heights” face. She has a picture of the “I’m TOTALLY not afraid of heights for real yo” face.
This is me. Duh.
After Navy Pier, we headed to Millennium Park so Rosa could see Cloud Gate (aka The Big Bean).
We saw a little boy get “spit on” from the giant fountain thing:
After Millennium Park, Rosa and I walked down Michigan Avenue.
I popped into Payless to use my giftcard and finally get a decent pair of professional-looking shoes that didn’t kill my feet. We also popped into Garrett to get popcorn. I didn’t buy any because I was still operating under the fact that I had never cared much for popcorn. Rosa let me try a taste of hers and OH MY GOD. Heaven! *pops more in mouth*
We made our way down Michigan until we finally found our way to the Hershey store. Rosa had a BLAST in there. I was happy too because well, who can’t be happy around all that chocolate? But also, my first character greeting in more than a year!
After a dinner at McDonalds, we headed back to The Krookery (my and Adam’s place) to rest up a bit before the Weird Chicago tour. Because I make all my friends go on the tour. Here is Rosa doing 1-2-3-BAM, something from the early cycles of America’s Next Top Model.
Adam was excited about the tour because he got to work with Hector for the first time in about 18 months.
Sunday morning, Rosa had to go “sniff, sniff,” but Adam had gone out and bought back a dozen donuts from DD. Woo. I loved having her here and can’t wait to see her again.
And on a more introspective note…
I realized how hard it is for me to simply be happy. I think people might have a certain emotional climate, and mine tends to hover more toward the melancholy. I feel really depressed and hopeless about something every single week day. It might not last the whole day, but it comes. I worry and fret and panic and start to beat myself up. I tell myself that I’m unlucky and that I’m just going to bring down everyone around me as well. I see the gas prices going up 10 cents a day around here and the salaries on the job boards going down, and then I remember that I’m still in the hunt and I feel myself sinking lower and lower. I have to really WORK hard to remain hopeful about things, to concentrate on the positives, to keep putting myself out there, to keep trying. It’s work. Some people just seem naturally happy and it seems like good things rain on them. I try to stay happy and attract happy things, but if something unhappy happens in the midst of all that hard work, I am 389494 times more devastated, and it’s that much harder to pick myself and start again. And I feel guilty about any sort of random things 99% of the time. Does anyone else have that tendency? My back is in knots from how much I tense myself up all day every day.
Sometimes, I will sit here and suddenly think to myself “I feel weird. What is that? Oh. Wait, I’m happy. No wonder I feel so weird.” Then I get nervous. Because I have this mindset that for everything good that happens, there is going to be payment required from me sooner than later for it. And I no longer feel unconditionally happy. Instead, I start worrying again.
I’m trying to concentrate on the positives of not working full-time now. I have freelance work, which means a little bit of money is coming in. I’m not living alone, so I don’t have to do it all alone (although living in Chicago is so expensive that my monthly basic expenses are more than what I was paying alone in Columbus–but I knew that was going to be the case), and I can sleep in (I try to get up by 9:30am), I can spend hours bonding with Lucy (although she never moves from her spot on the bed), I can read, play Wii, watch America’s Next Top Model marathons. The problem is that I kind of feel like a deadbeat, like I’m not contributing. And I’m not going to lie. I want to go shopping. I spent the past 18 months pinching every penny until they screamed, and I just want to shop without being so worried and guilty for one day. I want to be able to treat myself to cookies or a candy bar without feeling guilty about it. I’d love a pair of boots (the kind that girls wear with skirts and dresses), a Dooney and Bourke bag, some stuff from LUSH, and one or two of the more nerdy Wii games. There are a few books I want to buy and there is a bottle of Black Cherry Effen Vodka with my name on it. Aidan’s coming for the summer; I want to be able to take him out for ice cream and to McDonalds and out for pizza. I want to be able to buy him cute little outfits and treats. I want to clear up all my obligations once and for all, get a massage, get some new glasses, and get my hair done. Not only that, but wedding plans have come to a stand still because what’s the point of looking when I can’t do anything concrete?
I hate when people ask me “Have you found a job, yet?” It just makes me feel even more like a failure. And I feel like so much is just hanging while I keep trying and trying to find full-time work, preferably with benefits and an amazing salary; a job that I love and get excited about going to every day. Or at least, most days. But for now, I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to not sit around moping and wishing I worked. I have free time now, I should be rejoicing in it, not trying to rush it away. But I can’t help but worry. Bills don’t stop just because the income has, and it is even more depressing when the phone rings and it’s not someone calling for an interview, but rather a bill collector.
I need to go to bed. I’m getting tired. So, ’til next time.
(Originally posted at Anywhere Is...)