As I move along in my training, I’ve started giving thought to the kind of yoga teacher I want to be. For a while, I’d thought I wanted to teach children, but no. Then I thought about teaching hatha–for I enjoy hatha yoga the most. I’ve also thought about restorative yoga. See, I’m not an athletic person. I don’t like aerobics, unless it’s low impact. I like cardio, but I do not like running, jumping, that sort of thing. So what business would I have teaching it?

I like hatha yoga because it allows one to really get into the pose. You hold the poses longer than you would in vinyasa (which is more of a flow) or ashtanga (which is pretty aggressive), but you’re still working. BELIEVE ME, you are still working. I like that deep work in a pose, especially the heart openers or the hip openers or the forward folds. Like, when you’re right at your edge, and you think you can’t take it anymore, then something releases, and you relax into the pose. Love that.

I want to be the kind of teacher who helps her students *get that*. Who inspires them. I want students who love and respect me, and who generally enjoy coming to my class. But right now, I’m having a hard time taking myself seriously as a teacher, probably because I’m still SUCH a student. And it’s true–one is always a student of yoga–but I’m REALLY a student! One day I was practice teaching, and it just felt so weird to tell people to do things and watch them actually DO IT. I’m sure that’s something I’ll get over… but it’s still a bit odd.

I can’t ignore the fact that instead of singing in the shower, most of the time I’m making up yoga practices, or practicing my cueing. Is that weird? Sometimes I can’t sleep because I’m trying to put together the perfect practice in my mind. Yeah, it’s definitely weird.

Every week in teacher training, we practice teach, either with a partner or a small group. I’m learning that I am SILLY. I’m going to be one of those teachers, like Moksha’s Rich Logan, who’ll have the entire class cracking up while trying to hold a pose. And honestly? I would LOVE that. Yoga doesn’t have to be all serious and frowny face all the time. I love when I can laugh during a pose. A lot of people do. His class was packed today!

I know I have time to worry about it, and I have time to find my voice. First, I need to get the cueing down and keep learning as much as I can. Then everything else will fall into place, just as this entire journey keeps falling into place. I can’t believe how amazing it’s been.

linking up here:

Over the years, Easter has become less and less of a big deal in my life, which is sad, because Christ’s resurrection is like THE CORNERSTONE of Christianity, right? My mom used to make a huge deal out of it. New dresses. Dyeing eggs. Church (except the year we stopped going), and big dinners that always involved ham. Don’t get me wrong. It’s still a pretty awesome holiday, but for me, it doesn’t have that same anticipation and specialness that Christmas does. And it should, and not just because of the chocolate.

Here’s a short pictorial trip down memory lane, where you can see how I celebrated Easter through the years, complete with retrotastic furniture and all.

age two

age three

age eight

When I was twenty, I was initiated into the Catholic Church through RCIA at the St. Thomas More Newman Center (Eee, Father Vinny is still there!). The ceremony took place during a three hour long Easter Vigil, during which I was baptized, confirmed, and had my first communion. It was pretty cool. After the ceremony we had a huge party and were given giant Easter baskets full of chocolate and a Pass The Pigs game. (We’d had too much fun playing Pass the Pigs at the RCIA retreat a few weeks earlier.)

being baptized

being confirmed by Father Vinny

being a neophyte

Once I was a confirmed Catholic, I went nuts. I was a Eucharistic Minister. I was always involved in one thing or another. Student ministry. RCIA (this time as a sponsor). Volunteering. And I even worked on staff there as a part-time receptionist for a while after college. I very fond memories of that church and that community.

I am no longer a practicing Catholic, but I still find many aspects of the faith beautiful, and I still have a collection of all kinds of rosaries, including a few that I handmade. I was just thinking tonight about how I kind of wished I was at an Easter Vigil. Yes, it’s a long service, but the way my church did it? It didn’t seem that long at all. It was a beautiful, amazing service. I don’t know if I’d want to go to anywhere ele, but I kind of wish I was at Newman Center right now. I have this to keep me company though:

As I said, I drifted away from the Catholic Church and church in general. Until about 2004, when I became really involved in an evangelical community. This was Aidan’s Easter basket that year:

That Easter was pretty cool. I spent the night under the stars with a bunch of other young (or young at heart) people (I’m sure I was the oldest one there, but it was still fun) and we did a sunrise service that was amazing. I was SO HIGH from that.

2004 was a crazy year for me in so many ways. I made a lot of new friends (most of whom I no longer really talk to except for the occasional facebook stalk or facebook game spam), I became super involved in church activities: volunteering with the teen ministry (my FAVORITE!) and the young adult ministry, doing Power Point presentations, throwing parties, putting together newsletters, and even running a life group. There was a lot going on at home as well. I get exhausted when I read those entries–I was always going going going. No wonder I’m so content to just sit and read these days.

There was the Easter in 2006 where I was treated to a double rainbow.

2006 is also the year my life changed in so many major ways that to think about everything that happened to lead me to where I am today is overwhelming and crazy. And also kind of amazing. Needless to say, my spirituality took some crazy twists and turns, and right now, it’s an ever growing and ever changing and ever winding journey. Maybe one day I’ll go more in depth.

Happy Easter!

I was totally supposed to post this before my “Looking Ahead” post *points to post below this one* but I forgot that I had the Looking Ahead post scheduled already. So it posted and it took me a while to realize it had posted, and I wasn’t about to UNpost it because let’s face it, it’s a perfectly fine post.

And I used post WAY too many times in that last paragraph!

So, this one is a bit out of order, but I worked so hard on it that I decided not to trash it. So, without further ado, here is 2011 (and maybe a tiny bit of 2012) represented in pictures.

Disney World January 2011

Smooches in Magic Kingdom

Aidan and Weird Al Yankovic

Spring Blossoms

Hanging with my Plurk friends J and Rho

Meeting Sarah Dessen again!!

Ginger Doss. LOVE her music.

SJ Tucker, me, and Bekah Kelso.
Too much awesomeness for one photo.

Love getting my toe nails done.

Disney World June 2011

Rockin’ Out with Phineas and Ferb
(I know this one was posted before,
but it’s too awesome not to repeat!)

Three Generations
My mom, me, and Aidan

Sparkly toes!

The Rosie Show taping #1

Getting to know Jessy

Amish Country in Ohio

Me and Claudia Gray.
How I’d missed her.
Why’d she have to move so far away?

Orange toes!

“Sing Yourself Awake” Workshop
with Suzanne Sterling

The Rosie Show Taping #2

Thanksmas in Georgia

Christmas in Chicago

Happy Birthday, Aidan!

Me and my favorite kid in the entire universe in all of space and time and dimensions.

I can’t complain. 2011 was a pretty good year for me. I got to do some neat things, go to neat places, and meet cool people (like Weird Al Yankovic!). I was introduced to new music, made some crazy life-changing choices, and did some neat things. I got to meet my Plurk friends Jon & Rho, I had the chance to see my favorite author Sarah Dessen (and she totally recognized me!), I got to see SJ Tucker loads of times, and I got to eat a lot of sushi!

The easiest way to recap is to do a survey. I know how much you guys love those. Feel free to steal and do it yourself.

What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
- attended Musecon
- rode a horse

- pet a giraffe

- purchased exercise equipment
- got a passport
- Pilates reformer
- Capeoira
- got a facial
- lipolaser

Did anyone close to you give birth?
A lot of my friends had babies or are pregnant,
but I can’t say anyone particularly close to me.

Did anyone close to you die?
My aunt Lue passed away during the summer.

What countries did you visit?
None.

What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 5, 2011. I took my life back.
…and a giant leap of faith.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting into better shape.

What was your biggest failure?
Didn’t complete writing a novel. Boo.
Also falling back out of shape. Ha.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Mostly colds.
Had an incident in April that I thought might be gallbladder related,
but it was just gastritis.

Where did most of your money go?
Disney trips, dolls, clothes, sushi, gifts

What song will always remind you of 2011?
Nataraj (Dancing in the Flames) by Suzanne Sterling
Come Down by Ginger Doss

What do you wish you’d done more of?
- writing
- yoga

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Working. I worked way too many hours at Schawk.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ginger Doss
Bekah Kelso

What did you want and get?
- new camera
- Disney trips
- passport
- exercise bike
- books

What did you want and not get?
- MORE AIDAN TIME (there is never enough)
- a treadmill (our apartment is too small for such things)
- a trip out of the country

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 37. I spent the day with my family and ate
food from Harold’s Chicken Shack.

What kept you sane?
Reading. Lots of reading.
My family. My kitty cats.
Jen and Amy and our email chain.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Matt Smith

What political issue stirred you the most?
Anything that had to do with women’s reproductive rights

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
Having a lot of money isn’t everything.
It HELPS.
But when making the money
is costing your health, family time,
and sanity,
then it’s time to rethink some things.
So I did.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Sweaters and jeans, or tee-shirts and jeans, or hoodies and jeans.
Grey long-sleeved tee-shirts.
Sometimes a cute skirt with boots.
Long, hippy skirts or dresses.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I love that I can’t think of an answer to this question.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Magic touched my life again
in a single breath
shining in your eyes
like a firefly
and a moment of revelation
–Ginger Doss

Oh my God, what? Another entry? So soon? Well then.

I had a pretty amazing 2010. I tried new things, watched new movies, learned about new music, read lots of books, landed a full-time job, and met many awesome people. As per my tradition, I’m doing my year-in-review survey.

( Read the rest of this entry � )

Year End Surveys!

Was 2008 a good year for you?
For the most part, yes!

Where were you, and who were you with, when 2008 began? And where will you be when it ends?
I was at my friend Heather’s. Tonight, I am likely to be on the Weird Chicago Zombie Pub Crawl, provided I feel up to it.

What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
- Put a pet to sleep.
- Drove 6.5 hours.
- Rode the Tower of Terror at WDW.
- Worked in a law firm.
- Worked for an ad agency.

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I kinda did. And probably.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Helenboo had cute little Lily Bean, my friend Jessica had a little boy just the other day!

Did anyone you know die?
Little Lucy.

Did you attend any weddings or funerals?
I attended my own wedding in July!

What countries did you visit?
I didn’t leave the USA.

Did you move anywhere?
I moved to Chicago. Holy crap.

What sporting events did you go to?
None.

What concerts did you go to?
None.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
The drive to finish writing a novel; a permanent job that pays well and that I love.

What date(s) from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
March 17, 2008 – I moved to Chicago
July 27, 2008 – I married Adam.
September 21, 2008 – I went back to Disney World for the 3rd time in my life.

What were your biggest achievements of the year?
Aidan!!! That kid is soooo amazing.
No more debt!
Making it through the year with no accidents or speeding tickets.
Actually pulling off the move to Chicago!

What was your biggest failure?
Not finding a fulltime job in an acceptable amount of time. Even though I know there are many factors involved, I still feel icky.

Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Just the bad sinus infection that went away at the beginning of the year. Other than that, just things I normally get: migraines, colds, digestive issues from time to time.

What was the best thing you bought?
My cute little pink digital camera.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Aidan’s. He is doing VERY well in school. He’s advanced, he behaves, and he’s getting good grades. He’s such an amazing kid, every day I fall more in love with him.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I’m over it now.

Where did most of your money go?
Bills, insurance, car note, groceries, Christmas

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Disney World, visiting Aidan for Christmas

What song will always remind you of 2008?
Anything from the Timbaland CD, or from the Danity Kane CD, or from Circus.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? same
iii. richer or poorer? not sure

What do you wish you’d done more of?
Writing.
Exchanged handwritten letters.
Seen Aidan.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Procrastinating.

How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas in Ohio with Aidan, Chris, Matty, Mommy, and Andy. It was awesome!

Did you send out Christmas cards this year?
Yes.

Did you fall in love in 2008?
I’m already in love with my Adam.

How many one-night stands?
None.

What was your favorite TV program?
America’s Next Top Model and Hannah Montana

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

What was the best book you read?
The latest Leven Thumps book. AWESOME.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
M.I.A.

What did you want and get?
A safe move to Chicago, a happy marriage to Adam

What did you want and not get?
A finished novel out of me, a job

What was your favorite film of this year?
Wall-E

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 34, and I hung out with Jen and Adam.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Finishing a book and selling it.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Sweaters and jeans, or tee-shirts and jeans.

Did you make any significant changes to your appearance?
Nope.

What kept you sane?
Adam, and writing on Live Journal.

Were you in school (any time this year)?
Yes. I was in a copy editing course from Jan-March.

How did you earn your keep?
Zaner-Bloser at the beginning of the year, and various temp and freelance projects after I moved to Chicago.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
No.

Did you encounter the police?
No.

What did you purchase that was over $500?
A single purchase? Nothing.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
n/a

What political issue stirred you the most?
The election and the way people behaved over it.

Who did you miss?
Aidan, Aidan, Aidan.

Who was the best new person you met?
All the new people I met are about equal.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
“I don’t want to survive. I want to LIVE.” – from the Wall-E movie.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
n/a

How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (lousy) to 10 (excellent)?
9.5

———————-

JANUARY
1. Who kissed you on New Years???
No one. My fiance was in Chicago doing a Weird Chicago tour and I was in Ohio suffering from a horrible sore throat.
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year?
A few.
3. Does it snow where you live?
Oh yeah!
4. Do you like hot chocolate?
Yes.
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
No, I’m OK watching it on TV.

FEBRUARY
1. Who was your Valentine?
Adam. <3
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class?
Yes.
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
No matter what, we’re going to have 6 more weeks of winter.
4. What did you receive for Valentine’s Day?
I don’t think I got anything, nor did I get him anything.
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day?
See #4

MARCH
1. Are you Irish?
No.
2. Do you like corned beef and cabbage?
I like corned beef, but on rye bread with yellow mustard. Hate cabbage.
3. What did you do for St Patrick’s Day?
I moved to Chicago.

APRIL
1. Do you like the rain?
No.
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year?
No.
3. Do you get tons of candy for Easter?
Nope.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
No.
5. Do you love the month of April?
It’s OK.

MAY
1. What is your favorite flower?
Wildflowers.
2. Finish the phrase “April showers…”
Bring May flowers. (And Mayflowers bring Pilgrims)
3. Do you celebrate May 16th: Mother’s Day?
Yes.
4. Is May anything special to you?
It’s when the weather finally starts warming up. That’s special.  May 30th is when I had to put Little Lucy to sleep. 

JUNE
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school?
1993.
2. Did you do anything fun during this last June?
My family and Adam’s family came to visit, and Aidan was in town.
3. Have a favorite baseball team?
No.

JULY
1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
Jeff and Deborah came over and we cooked out, and then we all walked down the block and watched the locals put on some impressive fireworks shows. Then we got back and ate ice cream.
2. Did you go to the fireworks?
Didn’t have to.
3. Did you blast the A/C all day?
Yeah, can’t imagine that right now.

AUGUST
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your Summer?
Well, I got married in July.
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘08?
Marrying Adam!
3. Did you have a sunburn?
No.
4. Did you go to the pool a lot?
No.

SEPTEMBER
1. Are you attending college/school?
No.
2. Do you like fall better than summer?
Yes.
3. What happened this last September?
I went to Disney World!

OCTOBER
1. What did you do for Halloween?
Stayed home and relaxed. Adam had to work.
2. What is your favorite candy?
Reese’s and Whatchamacallit.
3. What was your favorite thing about October?
I was making a lot of money.

NOVEMBER
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
This year, Adam and I stayed home and made dinner, and Jeff and Deborah came over.
2. What are you thankful for?
Adam, Aidan, my friends and family, having my basic needs provided for, books
3. Do you love stuffing?
I like dressing better, but I can’t seem to get the consistency right when I make it anymore.
4. Anything special in this month?
Aidan came to visit! That was awesome!

DECEMBER
1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
Most assuredly.
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
Not that I remember.
3. Get anything special last year?
All my gifts are special.
4. What do you want this year??
I had a hard time making a list this year. I really want a good permanet job.
5. What do you love most about December?
It’s SO PRETTY everywhere! It’s all decorated, the festive music, the giving.

———————-

IN 2008 HAVE I:

Hugged someone? Of course!!
Gotten into a fight? No.
Cried? Yes.
Smoked? A bit.
Drank alcohol? Yes.
Kissed someone on the cheek? Yes.
Reunited with an old friend? Yes.
Let something go? Yes.
Been whipped? No.
Learned any important lessons? Yes.
Got a kiss on the cheek? Yes.
Kissed someone on the lips? Yes.
Considered suicide? Not seriously.
Cut/dyed your hair drastically? No.
Flirted? No.
Been backstabbed? Yes.
Missed someone? Yes.
Hit someone? Oh yeah. >:)
Broken something really important to you? No.
Cuddled with someone? Yes.
Broken somebody’s heart? Doubt it.
Done something you really regretted? Don’t even get me started.
Laughed so hard that it hurt? Yes.
Cried so hard that it hurt? Yes.
Got cheated on? No.
Gone on a date? No.
Got dumped? No.
Dumped someone? No. More like stepped back for a bit.
Made a new screen name? No.
Lost a friend? Yes.
Gotten any tattoos/piercing? No.
Been in a love/hate relationship? Eh?
Loved someone so much that it hurt? No.
Been grounded? Nope, LOL.

FRIENDS:
Lost: I’m not going to list them because it doesn’t matter anymore.
Drifted: Can’t really say because friendships are so static.
Found: Grew closer to Sarah.

BODY:
Weight: 110-115 pounds.
Piercing/tattoos: N/A
Height: 5′1″
Hair: Short. Boo.

BAD THINGS I HAVE DONE:
- Gossipped.
- Didn’t write.
- As if I’m going to admit the others here. >:)

GOOD THINGS I HAVE DONE:
- Made Aidan’s Christmas!
- Cat sitting.
- Donorschoose.org.
- Loved Adam.

THINGS I HOPE TO DO IN 2009:
- See Aidan more often.
- Write a novel.
- Sell a novel.
- Travel.
- Get a great job making good money.
- Go back to a Disney park.

* * *

Looking Ahead:

In the year 2009…

Will you be looking for a new job?
Yes.

Will you be looking for a new relationship?
No.

New house?
No.

What will you do different in 2009?
I will try to be more positive. Try to write more. Try to write more in my paper journal. Try to have more faith in myself.

New Year’s resolution(s)?
a. Take better care of my teeth.
b. Going to bed at a decent hour.
c. Write a new book.
d. Stick to my budget, even if I start making more money.

What will you not be doing in 2009?
Spending gobs of money.

Any trips planned?
California – Jan 8-12.
Indianapolis – April (to get Aidan)

Wedding plans?
Nope.

What’s on your calendar?
Disneyland, Aidan for spring break, summer break, and winter break!

What can’t you wait for?
See above.

What would you like to see happen differently?
I’d like to see things in a more positive light.

What about yourself will you be changing?
- I hope to become more assertive, less likely to freak out.
- I will be doing better financially once I settle down.
- I will be able to write once things settle down.

What happened in 2008 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
- We got a black (well, mixed) president.

Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Yes.

Will you dress differently this year than you did in 08?
Doubt it.

Will you start or quit drinking?
I usually drink socially.

Will you have better relationship with your family?
*shrug*

Will you do charity work?
Perhaps.

Will you go to bars?
Only if I’m on a Weird Chicago tour.

Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
I usually am.

Do you expect 2009 to be a good year for you?
Yes.

How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I changed a lot. I’m a little bit more optimistic now.

Do you plan on having a child?
Just the one I already have.

Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Not sure.

Major lifestyle changes?
No, I think my lifestyle changes will finally settle down.

Will you be moving?
No.

What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 2009 that happened in 2008?
Dunno.

What are your New Years Eve plans?
Weird Chicago Zombie Pub Crawl–as long as I feel OK.

Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
If I go on that crawl, yes.

Wish for 2009:
Success, security, good friends, happiness, love, passion, positivity, and lots of trips to Disney parks!!! YAY!!

Happy New Year!

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

Time for the end of year surveys!

( Read the rest of this entry � )

Despite all the stuff going on in July, this month’s creeped by. I think it has to do with the fact that Adam is coming to visit in two weeks, and that just seems like an eternity away. July just seems to have an extra week more than other months. *sigh*

Well, someday, I’ll be living in Chicago, so I won’t feel like I’m constantly WAITING for something boring or obligatory to be over so I can get to the fun stuff—the stuff that never lasts long enough. I’m not going to lie. Waiting 6–8 weeks to see someone for 3 days sucks, and it’s very frustrating. Waiting for the weekends, those days that speed by in the blink of an eye. Or waiting two weeks for payday when I don’t really get to enjoy the money as it all goes to bills and rent and gas and food. Yes, I spend a lot of time feeling frustrated.

But oh well. That’s life for now. Always waiting, never satisfied.

Even though I try. I try to latch on to the little things that come up here and there so I won’t feel like I’m waiting for stuff that’s so far off it’s still pretty much a pipe dream. But even still, looking forward to those little things means MORE waiting.

I’m tired of waiting. I want to LIVE.

Finished the new Harry Potter book. All I’m going to say is that I’m happy with how things turned out.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

Meg Cabot’s entry about her teacher nearly made me cry:

http://www.megcabot.com/diary/?p=487

Funny that I think about Meg a LOT when I start to feel beaten down. Her books were rejected LOTS and LOTS of times before she finally got in, and now she’s a best-seller. I wish I could focus harder on people like her instead of wallowing when I get knocked down (again and again and again).

I can’t believe some of you still bother to read my LJ, with all the histrionics and dramatics I put on here.

Anyway, my teacher was Miss Ruth Wheeler. She was my 12th grade AP English teacher. I’d gone to an inner-city high school, and I was an honor’s student. Not a good combination, as the “regular” students hated us. Some of the teachers did too. In one class, we were purposely given grades lower than the non-honors students because we were too “full of ourselves.” Everyone felt that honors students cheated. It was hard for an honors student to be taken seriously because the others didn’t want “us” running the school. We’ve had teachers tell us that we’d never make it through college (Uh, BA in Psychology from Ohio State right here), that we’d be living in the same lower middle class neighborhoods and life styles that we grew up with (granted, I am living paycheck to paycheck now, but I don’t live in fear of gunshots outside of my window anymore), and pretty much said we’d never amount to anything.

We were a classroom of brilliant kids, but some of us (like me) were beaten down by all the negativity. Miss Wheeler would get so mad, practically yelling at us that those other people were wrong. We were going to make something of ourselves. We were going to be special.

She signed my yearbook with: You, more than anyone else in the class, have the potential to become famous. As an author, I hope.

Boy, I hope so too.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

There are some things I expected to happen, but still hurt a bit.
People shunning me because of the choices I’ve made.
“Friends” who don’t want to speak to me or him because they’re afraid we’ll somehow “taint” them and their “perfect little Christian” relationships.

Then there are the wonderful surprises.
Unconditional love from family members, regardless of the circumstances.
Unconditional love and support from friends all over.
The ocassional feelings of peace that wash over me.

Then there are the unexpected painful things.
Crying over what should have been but will never be.
Guilt for taking charge of my own life.
Fear over what will happen.
Denial that this is my life now, and that I chose it.

This whole thing is a mixed bag of feelings. Relief, pain, hurt, shame, disappointment, fear, happiness, peace, doubt, excitement, guilt, surrealness.

But I will go on. And it’ll be okay.