Ronni's Journal | Anything But Ordinary

Have you ever felt like you are just… not as accomplished as you should be? I mean, you all know how I feel about all this “grown-up” business, but honestly, I often wonder why I just can’t be NORMAL. Why can’t I be happy with getting up five+ days a week, going into an office, coming home, eating dinner, watching TV, and sleeping? People do it every day! And they’re OK with it. The long commute. The lunch break that always goes too quickly. Why can’t I just be satisfied with–or at least resigned to–that sort of life? It’s like, what is wrong with me?

Yesterday, I worked in an office for the first time since November. It was just a one day gig, but could have led to more.

It didn’t go all that well. I was not on top of my game and they were not big with the patience. I mean, part of it was me. I just wasn’t on top of my game. I hate to admit that, but there you go. But part of it was their expectation that someone should walk in off the street, be given five minutes of training, and do everything perfectly. That kind of pressure? It screws me up. But that’s how it is in Chicago. No one has time for training or learning curves. You have to be able to hit the ground RUNNING. It’s super cutthroat. And it does nothing for my self-esteem when I am just not there.

And I say to myself:
You are 37 years old.
Why AREN’T you there yet?
You loser.

You know how people get depressed when they’re surfing Facebook and they see everyone else’s fabulous life? I’m like that with LinkedIn. I get that nifty little email in my inbox with all the updates; everyone’s promotions and new positions and whatnot. Or I’m just browsing and looking at people’s profiles! Everyone’s so accomplished. Or they’ve been in the same company for eleventy-billion years and have gotten a promotion every five years or so just like they’re supposed to. People my age and younger are managers, executies, directors. I don’t feel so bad about that, per se. I think I feel bad because even if I wanted a title like that, I’d never qualify for one. And then I start to feel pathetic.

Because why DON’T I have an established career or job? Why do I just kind of float through life in a way that I have to constantly remind myself to be present, to be intentional, to make it count?

It should not be this hard! Why is it so hard?

deep breath

OK. It’s obvious that I’m freaking out a little bit.
It’s just that…
I have a big decision to make, and this decision is making me super nervous.
It’ll be a big time commitment and financial investment.
The support from my friends and family has been amazing.
I’m still scared.
I’m starting to learn that the easiest choice is not always the right one,
and that the scary choice is usually the one that will take me on an amazing journey.
It will show me things that I’ve never thought possible.
It will push me farther than I’ve ever gone.
It will change my life in a very good way.

Adam and I kind of live by the philosophy Jump, and a net will appear.

So, I think I’m going to do it. I’m going to jump.
oh my god.
Details soon.

(Originally posted at http://anywhere-is.net. Comment here or there.)

Thank you all for your kind words yesterday. I feel a little better this morning, a little more accepting. Still hurting, though. I miss her. But I realize that I miss the healthy Lucy. The one who would plant her butt firmly on my keyboard when I was in the middle of typing an email or a LJ entry. The one who would stick her nose all the way into my mouth until she was satisfied that she learned what I had for dinner. The one who would wake me up at 2am because she had decided to pull my hair for whatever reason. The Little Lucy who wanted to get pet and darn it, she was GOING to get pet no matter what I was doing that I thought was so important.

I have never lost a major pet before. I always had fish and hamsters, and although I was sad that they left, it wasn’t like this. I had a dog in high school. Darby the Dog. He ran away while I was away at school, and although deep down I know that he probably didn’t survive, I like to believe that someone saw how awesome he was and took him in.

Lucy hadn’t been doing well ever since she moved here. At first, I thought it was stress from the move, that she needed a bit of space and would come out when she was ready; that was how she’d done big changes in the past. But this time she never really bounced back. Instead, she started eating less and less, drinking less and less, and then she wasn’t eating or drinking at all. She was always a little cat, but she was down to 4.5 pounds. She could barely walk without collapsing. Her liver had basically shut down, and she was dehydrated. It would have taken a week in the hospital to MAYBE get her better, and there is no way she could have handled that. She was always a delicate little thing, nervous and skittish. Even if it was just the two of us, any sudden movement would send her running to hide under the bed or behind the toilet. The stay in the hospital would have been far too traumatic for her. The vet said that given how sick she was, this was something that had going on for a while, and the stress from the move might have helped trigger it.

I’m slowly coming to terms with having made the decision to put her down yesterday. It was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever made. But when I held her in that office for one last time, and she was looking away, I knew that she had already said good-bye.

I feel so many things right now. Heartbreak, grief, emptiness, guilt. I knew that one day I would lose her, but I honestly expected at least six more years with her. To have her gone so suddenly is a shock.

I miss my little Lucy.

(Originally published at Anywhere Is…)

(Originally posted at Anywhere Is...)

Hatred of life at 85% right now.

(Originally posted at Anywhere Is...)